We’ve all noticed that the world is awakening to the importance of caring for our mental health. With that, there are some terms and words that we are hearing more frequently. For instance self-care, soft girl era, trauma, and triggers. Well, the word that rounds it all out that is required to experience harmony in our lives is boundaries. Without boundaries with ourselves and others, there is zero chance at harmony.
As a coach, I’ve had numerous conversations with clients about a need for boundaries. The absence of boundaries in one form or another is often at the root of their qualm or frustration. When people come to their coach (life coach) oftentimes they’re experiencing some level of stagnation. As a coach, the focus is on how the client wants to be, not necessarily what they want to do. But, how it is that they want to be and experience life or the situation/relationship(s). The role of the coach in many cases is to get the client to a place where they can identify and then express what it is that they want for the situation, their future, or out of a relationship. Then they'll need to determine how it is they want to address whatever is or isn’t happening.
Say you’re working for someone who doesn’t appreciate your talents, creativity, and effort. Yet you’re repeatedly asked to do more. And you do more, with excellence mind you. I imagine some people begin to feel taken for granted and allow resentment to show up. In these instances, if that is what you’re experiencing, and keeping this job isn’t a matter of life and death; there just might be a boundary needing to be drawn or enforced.
Or perhaps you or someone you know is in a relationship with someone that you’ve shared your heart with, letting them know the ways you feel they’ve wronged or continue to wrong you. You may even question whether or not they truly love you. Because how could you do that (whatever that is) to me if I told you it hurt me, and yet you do it again? If you love me, why do you do me this way?
And to that, I would ask you to reverse it and ask yourself, (insert your name here) if you love (insert your name here), why would you allow someone to do you this way? Both can be true. Someone can love you and hurt you. And you can love yourself while harming yourself, or allow harm to come to you. Oftentimes it's in the absence of a boundary that we hurt ourselves most. I’d say the most common way we harm ourselves is 1 of 2 things. The way we think about ourselves and our circumstances, and the decisions we make as a result.
When I think back on all the ways I did/have not established and upheld boundaries the one thing in common is me. It is my responsibility to take care of me. It is my responsibility to do the reflection to learn what it is that I want and need out of my relationships. All of my relationships. Professional and personal. Whether it be with your friend, partner, neighbor, boss, landlord, family member, or colleague. Whoever you engage with in any significant amount of time will call for boundaries on both sides to keep the relationship in a reasonably healthy state.
And the most seamless and effective way to establish boundaries is to start with yourself. If you can’t tell yourself NO, you sure as hell can’t tell anyone else no. If you’re a super disciplined person and can always resist the 2nd serving of your favorite dish, or never overspend and consistently keep your word to yourself, awesome! I would still encourage you to take a close look and see where you might not be being as honest in your relationships. It could be something as simple as noticing that your hair stylist or barber of 15 years is no longer doing a consistent job. Yet you never consider trying the new place down the street because you don’t want it to be uncomfortable around your stylist.
Or perhaps you create a bogus excuse to get out of doing something. Instead of establishing and upholding a boundary, you’d rather not have the conversation and tell the truth. "I'm spent, I'm going to stay in tonight". And while it may not be a big deal in the big scheme of things, what it is, is inauthentic and you’re not being true to you or the person you won’t tell the truth to.
Most of us can relate to wanting to get out of something we signed up for. Let’s say it’s a work happy hour. Or even someone's wedding and it’s weighing on you. You’re not feeling it for whatever reason. Should you go anyway? Sure! In some cases, you should absolutely go. To have boundaries does not imply there is never a reason for compromise. We’re grown, and doing things you don’t want to do is a part of being an adult. As the saying goes, you have to do what you gotta do, so that you can do what you want to do. Some events simply have to be attended. I say this as a self-professing homebody. I love love love to be at home. Don’t judge me, I like to enjoy the expense that is my mortgage!
On the other hand, if you are someone who is an event enthusiast or a social butterfly, no matter the day, your other obligations, or even how you feel in your mind and body… if the answer is ALWAYS yes, then you most likely need to establish boundaries. If everything is important then nothing is important!
It is up to us to determine what we’re willing to do, allow for, and compromise on. It’s far easier to determine what you need to compromise on when you can identify and recognize what’s most important to you.
If you need support determining what’s most important to you, you can find values exercises online that will help you determine your values. When we journal about our thoughts and the way we feel around different people or at different events, we can come to recognize more readily why something gets under our skin or what and why something is important to us.
Once I came to realize that I had a strong value for equality, it made sense that I love movies where the bad guy is dealt with in the end! I try to be punctual because honoring the commodity of time is important to me. Anyway once you recognize what is most important to you, it’s your responsibility to determine how you want to approach situations with your newfound awareness. When recognizing that there is a need for a boundary and how you want to move in and through it, there are typically 3 routes this goes: 1) Allowing for more of what doesn’t serve or honor you.
2) Having the necessary conversation to let the person or people know what it is that you need from them to remain engaged in the relationship. Leading you all to a clear understanding and move forward accordingly. 3) Finding that they won’t respect the boundary (at which time you have choices to make). Because you can’t unring the bell. Once you are aware of how your values are not being honored it tends to impact the relationship in one way or another anyway. Again keep in mind this is in personal and/or professional relationships. And I know for some the work of getting to a point where you can articulate the boundary may be hard. Sometimes we aren’t even clear that there is an unmet need. Even though someone might be feeling emotionally exhausted, taken advantage of, or resentful, the language to express what it is that you are feeling can be elusive.
There are times when someone might be concerned with how the boundary being established could/will change or potentially harm the relationship. And candidly it might. Everything could change. But if nothing changes, nothing changes. That’s why it’s helpful to reflect on your values and priorities. So that you understand your motives and that can bring forth more intentionality in your decision-making. In moments of self-reflection, I would encourage you to consider the following:
What am I willing to sacrifice to appease someone else? Everything costs something.
How long am I willing to settle or compromise my needs?
What is the long-term cost or ramifications of not honoring what I need or want most?
Could it be impacting your self-esteem or mental health?
Could it be the loss of the integrity or quality of the relationship?
Could it be delaying your most authentic self to emerge?
Could it be delaying the relationships growth, because they may change their behavior when they learn of the impact?
There is an opportunity for growth and freedom in your relationships by establishing boundaries and honoring yourself. Boundaries create the pathway for a relationship to thrive. When you acknowledge this, you will do it afraid if need be.
Now think of a relationship that matters to you that causes you to feel some sort of annoyance or discontentment. What is one thing that you might share with your loved one or colleague that could shift the relationship in a direction that is safer or more enjoyable for you? Now imagine, you never say anything. Do you see this relationship improving if no conversation is had?
Is it ok with you if it doesn’t improve? Of course, there are certain situations when it's obvious that harm is occurring and an absence of a boundary isn’t the issue, but instead the offenders absence of a conscious. That’s not what we’re talking about. In most cases, the parties in the relationship need to discuss what’s missing in the form of a boundary. Keep in mind that if a person doesn’t know how you’re experiencing them they can’t address it and make a choice to change. Not to imply everyone given the opportunity to change does. Or that it’s a requirement that you give them the opportunity. However, it is impossible to change the relationship if they don’t know.
If on the other hand they do know and don’t change, that’s when it's entirely up to you to determine how you want to proceed. When you think of how you want to experience life and relationships based on what’s most important to you (your values) then you can make choices in your life that allow your world to expand in the ways you want to experience it. That could mean relaxing at home on Friday nights, more structured mornings, more enjoyable holidays, being in business partnerships where there is demonstrative respect and appreciation for your talents, and enjoying your day-to-day life more.
As I said we do what we gotta do, so we can do what we want to do. If you want to have more genuine and healthy relationships that aren’t riddled with the ick of resentment or worse, you’ll need to determine where you need to establish boundaries and begin the work. It can get better. In some cases, it won’t get better if you don’t know what you need and don’t ask for that.
And I do realize that it’s easier said than done. Finding the language can be tricky, recognizing when it’s the right time to say no in honor of you and when it’s appropriate to compromise also isn’t a given. Here are some tricks to ease into it:
Harvard Business Review recommends that you start small. This might mean if you want to get your day started on a more orderly note, and you know that you need an extra hour in the morning, yet you continue to hit snooze. So maybe you start small by waking up a minimum of 20 minutes earlier and work your way up to an hour earlier. Again, it’s most important to establish and keep boundaries with yourself.
Or perhaps you need to establish a boundary when attending an office holiday party or happy hour. To honor your desire to keep work separate from your personal life, you decide to limit yourself to 1-2 drinks. That’s a boundary you’ve established with yourself. If for some reason you decide not to honor your commitment to yourself, then pay attention to why you didn’t and how you’ll move differently going forward.
Or let’s say that your friend is having her 3rd baby shower in 3 years and you feel that you should only have to attend the first one (mind you I had 3 baby showers over a span of 10 years so no judgment). I digress, in this case, remember that you have options. You can go and stay for 2 hours max, you can have your gift delivered, or you can politely decline to participate at all. Choosing the one that meets your needs best for that particular season of your life is a self-imposed boundary.
I should warn you to be prepared for some people not to accept or honor your boundaries. In which case the next move is yours. Do you stay in the situation or not? If so, what can do you have control over so that you don't cause yourself harm? Let us never forget that we have options and for every yes you say to someone you are saying no to yourself for something. Acknowledging that time is our most valuable resource. How you use it is crucial to how you experience life. Upholding boundaries is not always easy. Nor is living a life where the only thing ever being compromised are your wants and needs. If you need support in learning the importance of boundaries and how to set them, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are by Lysa TerKeurst helped me gain clarity. But, nothing helped me learn the significance of boundaries and how they're essential in relationships more than feeling myself grow weary. I began to pay closer attention and saw how much I was taking care of others, and how little I was taking care of myself. Not to mention having a friend who established a boundary with me, and me having to establish one with a different friend.
Relationships can be tough, and since they’re an unavoidable part of life, we must do the necessary work to experience the best in our relationships. Our relationship with ourselves included! When we prioritize our mental well-being and the health of our relationships we take action, we have difficult conversations, we express ourselves with confidence, and we determine what is and isn’t acceptable in our lives. And then we move accordingly. This could include working with a therapist or a coach to gain additional insight and gumption. However you do it, find a way to take the necessary steps to reclaim your power.
“The more you value yourself, the healthier your boundaries are.” ~ Lorraine Nilon
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